Just Five Euros - LL [aka: Facebook never tells the whole story]
When we arrived at the Frankfurt City & Rhine River cruise tour office things went smoothly...at first. They had our reservation.
We waited with others for the 10am City Tour to begin, anticipating a bus arriving to pick us up at any moment, when suddenly the tour operator - who had uttered a total of no words thus far - came barreling out of the office walking fast and said something to one of the people in the group. Since that person began to follow him at a brisk pace down the sidewalk, we all followed suit, asking each other if this is the tour and should we be following, and also where are we going?
This continued for 1/2 mile or so until we reached Frankfurt's main train station. Okaaay. So a hop-on hop-off bus was there and the tour guide muttered something about "don't get off. one hour tour. come back here and walk back to the tour office for Rhine tour following City Tour," and he left as quickly as he'd arrived.
Got it, I think. Don't get off at any stops. Stay on the bus for the one hour loop. Then get off and follow the bread crumbs we'd hopefully dropped to find our way back to the tour office. We found seats, got the English narration going, and enjoyed the next 25 minutes learning about Frankfurt, when suddenly we found ourselves back at the main train station.
Since it was a "one hour" city tour this led to a fair amount of confusion. The family sitting behind us was equally befuddled, so we quickly conferenced together with them as we tried to determine if we'd done just one loop of the tour and now there'd be a second loop for the remaining 1/2 hour, or if (in actual fact) the tour was finished, even though it had only been a half hour and the audio voice on the headphones continued to narrate. We all decided to err on the side of caution, particularly since we still had the walk back to the tour office to navigate by ourselves.
While on the City Tour, prior to its abrupt curtailing, I began to get the feeling we were batting for the B team. Our bus appeared to be following a Grey Line Tour bus. Most of my photos of the city of Frankfurt include the Grey Line tour bus. Just as I began to ponder this possibility though, our tour came to its untimely end, meaning my full attention was devoted to the important task of finding our way back to the tour office.
As it turned out, getting off the bus was the correct call. By the time we arrived back at the office a much larger crowd had gathered for the Rhine portion of the tour. We had just enough time to pop into the nearby Continental Hotel and walk boldly through the lobby, as if guests there, in order to use the restroom. A little trick I learned in high school.
This time, a bus did show up at the tour office. The driver, Abdullah, smoked like a chimney prior to us boarding, as if trying to cram the next 6 hours of cigarettes into one 15 minute deadline.
We boarded the bus, and all went smoothly until...we arrived at a spot high atop a hillside where we were offered the unexpected option of staying on the bus and waiting for 15-20 minutes to ride it back down -or- we had the "opportunity" to ride on chair lifts (the Seilbahn) down to the Rhine Restaurant where we would be enjoying lunch.
"It is totally up to you. Sit on the bus for 15-20 minutes until the driver returns (presumably from a cigarette break) to drive you down or for just 5 euros you can ride down on the Seilbahn for the view of your life."
After taking count of those choosing each option: "Ok, good...you all want to ride on the Seilbahn. Very good. You have made a smart choice. You may pay me in cash."
The ride was short and sweet. The view was awesome, and we discussed that perhaps just tacking 5 euros onto the tour package and including the Seilbahn would've made more sense than the tour guide having to "sell" the "option" at the point of no return. But whatevers, it's time to eat.
At the bottom of the lift we were offered the privilege of purchasing the picture taken of us aboard the lift...for just five euros. We purchased it, but only because it included Kristi with a GoPro strapped to her head and the name of the town was printed on it: Assmannhausen.
Ok, this restaurant was hilarious. I honestly do NOT know where to start, but I'll try. It was a cross between a predominately wine and grapes theme and a nautical theme, with a vague undercurrent of Catholicism. Every single square inch of space on the walls, countertops, corners, floor to ceiling (and including ceiling) were covered in tchotchkes that fit one or more of these themes. Buca di Beppo can't hold a candle to this place. Grapes abounded, especially as light fixtures in all sorts of glowing colors, some flashing off and on like Christmas lights. Nautical knick-knacks that had been collected over (a rough estimate based on the quantity) the last 100 years or so were everywhere: ceramic sailors, half-naked mermaid statues with dangerously-pointed assets at eye level, model boats, and SO much more, all mixed in with the grapes. An imposing life sized wood carved archbishop greeted guests in a startling way at the entrance. Directly behind him sat a mannequin sailor smoking his mannequin pipe at a table inside a wine barrel. It overwhelmed the senses. I lamented the fact that I did not have an emergency Zyrtec on me. We sat with some fellow tour travelers from Canada and all of us looked around in shock and awe as we awaited the meal that was included in our tour.
[Bear with me for a hot second while I share a related backstory before I continue describing our tour. We arrived in Frankfurt the evening before the tour and did what any traveler to Germany would do upon arrival: we went out for Greek food. In our defense, we had to wash our clothes at a "waschsalon" (a story for another day) and we could not find any German food nearby. We kept seeing women in burkas in the neighborhood that had the waschsalon and gleaned that we were in an ethnic subset of Frankfurt that contained few German people and no German food. We were actually quite relieved to find the Greek restaurant and happy for the meal after a long day. We rested in the fact that the following day we would be fully immersed in German culture during our all-inclusive tour, which would most definitely include an authentic German meal for lunch.]
Now back to the tour: Lunch was served. We bonded in mirth with our new Canadian friends at the chicken fried steak with curry and pineapple sauce, and french fries, that constituted our lunch. Drinks and dessert not included. It was just 5 euros for a ginger ale in the skinniest glass I've ever seen. It was quite possibly a single stem vase in its prior life. "Lunch" did help us get to know our friends from Canada as we chatted together about all.the.humor to be found in expectation vs. reality.
Then we left the restaurant and walked to the dock to board the Rhine River boat. Things were looking up. The cruise absolutely did not disappoint. I mean honestly, how could it? It's the Rhine River for goodness sakes! Mind-blowingly beautiful everywhere you looked. Also they served beer on this boat. Just five euros.
Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the boat tour and we all disembarked in a great mood, none more so than the fellow Texans in the group, from whom we'd been keeping a safe distance up until now because they were loud and obnoxious and announced they hailed from Texas every five minutes. We feared we'd be found guilty by association if we were in the same vicinity.
But then as luck would have it...our bus did not show up to pick us up. And we were left standing next to the other Texans. But only briefly, because when they asked us where in Texas we were from and we said "Austin," they proceeded to share with us how much they disliked Austin. Nice ice-breaker and Bye Felicia! We were off to look for the souvenir shops until the bus got there. Only, it never did.
Sooooo...the entire tour wound up upstairs at a restaurant, where you could order whatever you wanted (at your own expense) as we waited 45 minutes for a new bus. Apparently our bus broke down about a half mile away. Shortly, Abdullah the bus driver showed up and ordered himself food. We were there a while. I was starting to doubt the promised wine tasting, which was supposed to be the grand finale of the tour, would even take place.
Long story short, with great relief we learned that in spite of the delay, the wine tasting was still on. New bus, same driver, took us back to the nautical/grape/bishop restaurant where there were cups of wine pre-set, and I kid you not when I say they were in communion sized cups. They were smaller than shot glasses. Which, as it turns out was a true blessing, because each of the wines was sweeter than the one before.
This time we were sitting with two men from Australia, and we were all equal in our inability to fully disguise how much we truly disliked these wines. The first one I drank, but it was so sweet that when the guide told us the next one was even sweeter, I took only the tiniest of sips yet still could not conceal my shudder. The final wine could serve as syrup in a pinch.
Apparently everyone else on the tour felt the same way because when the guide offered bottles of wine for sale to our group of 40 or so, he had no takers. Except one. One taker. I'll give you a guess who bought wine. Yessirree, it was one of the obnoxious Texans, who also made loud jokes throughout the tasting. (Please stop.) I honestly think he would've bought rubbing alcohol if he could drink it on the bus. So, he bought the syrup wine and took a stack of communion cups and his crew was ready to roll. We were herded back on the (replacement) bus.
But then, thankfully, *sweet redemption* came in the form of an unscheduled stop to visit The Neiderwalddenkmal, an incredible Lady Germania monument located on a cliff overlooking the Rhine Valley around Rüdesheim and Bingen. A UNESCO World Heritage site, the monument was built in the 1870s to commemorate the Unification of Germany. The five verses of the song Die Wacht am Rhein (The Guard on the Rhine) by Karl Wilhelm are carved in the monument.
Ohhh.Emm.Geee. the monument was imposing and majestic and the views were absolutely magnificent from up there! The tour operator said this was "extra and unplanned...a way of apologizing for the bus breakdown."
It was quite honestly THE VIEW of the day...and he didn't even charge five euros.
"The cry resounds like thunder's crash,
Like ringing swords and waves that clash:
The Rhine, the Rhine, go to our Rhine,
Who'll guard our River, hold the line?"Karl Wilhelm, The Guard on the Rhine