This Ain't the Kardashians (LL)

In the event that anyone following our journey is harboring any visions of glamour, this post is here to dispel myths.

First of all, I sat on my glasses at the very first hotel. The very first one. They are bent askew but still functional. I look like Garth from Wayne's World when I wear them at night.

Secondly, I was running  2 for 2 on buying and forgetting yogurt in hotel fridges by the 2nd hotel,  so I stopped buying yogurt and putting it in the fridge. I switched to buying wine and we haven't forgotten that once.

Lest anyone think for a moment we are traveling in style, please listen as I share with you how "not easy" our rental car from "Easy Rent" was. Not only was the rental car counter *not* located at the airport but the airport Avis representatives  audibly chuckled as they directed us to the train station to find that rental company. We then schlepped to the train station. Not only was our rental car counter also *not* located at the train station, but the train station guide audibly chuckled as he directed us to the Crown Plaza hotel. Then, on foot, we set out from the train station to walk a mile around a lake, mall and arena venue, to reach said hotel. Fun times. We were pleasantly surprised to arrive there and find out that "Easy Rent" was in fact legit.

Please understand that when I say we "schlepped," I am not exaggerating in the least. We have overstuffed carry-on luggage and backpacks that are so full that we fear security opening the bags and everything popping out like those old 'can o' snakes.' When forced to stick my bag (Stuart Little) into a carry on measurement box at the gate, I was tempted to sit on it to force it in there because it was justsoclose to fitting, but I feared it'd get stuck and then I'd have to take the whole contraption with me. (Got gate checked on that one.)

On a similar note, it is an amazing thing to realize all the things you can hang off of a backpack to try to get on a plane with just the one "personal" bag. I started with just a cap and a travel pillow hanging off mine and fear that by the end of the trip, I'll have bags tied onto and hanging off of every strap and loop on my backpack. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Carabiners are sold in virtually every souvenir shop. I am nothing if not a problem solver, and I believe it contributes to the vagabond vibe I am going for.

Also, since we are flying economy on all our flights it's like we are in an SNL skit when the whole waiting room is empty and we are the only ones remaining and finally hear something like, "Boarding group number 7 may now board." Whoop! Yay us!!

Speaking of airplanes. Is it me or do others feel like they are in a petri dish of contagious diseases when on an airplane? Sick people are coughing everywhere - it's like a symphony of germs filling the air. I fantasize about zipping myself into a little self-made habitat around my seat...a habitat that includes a humidifier, large squirt bottle of Purell, and a sound machine. I accept that I have issues.

Another thing that doesn't reflect well on me at all is that on our long day of travel from Northern Finland to Southern United Kingdom, beginning with a 3am wake up call, 3 flights and layovers, customs, and a saga to get to our rental car, I kept thinking throughout the day that literally everyone I passed had BO. It wasn't until later that evening when I finally stepped into the shower that it occurred to me that if I kept smelling BO, it was probably my own. Nice.

Soooo...amongst the most humorous moments on our trip thus far was in Rovaniemi, Finland when this restaurant owner offered to comp our meals if we'd put on reindeer skin bikinis he sold in his store. I laughed and laughed. Things must be rough in the Arctic Circle. Poor guy. He was dead serious, too. 😂

And...I like - even love - many things in Europe, but these people need to understand that when I order a "large" coffee I expect it to come in something larger than a shot glass. It's comical really. A "small" comes in a thimble.

We mostly use public transportation, but occasionally we do have to rent a car. We've already had a few car rental moments. I drove us up a highway exit ramp in Iceland right after saying, "I wonder what that sign we just passed meant?" Luckily, as we approached the highway headed the wrong direction, I realized the sign meant "Do not Enter" or "One Way," and I kicked the manual transmission into reverse and shot us backwards the heck out of there. I saw my life flash before my eyes

Then I got PTSD flashing back to that moment when Kristi was driving on the left side of the road (!!) in Great Britain. We turned a 40 min drive from the car rental place to our cottage in the Cotswolds into an hour and a half because we had what can only be nicely termed as "roundabout issues." We were seriously the Griswolds getting onto those things and going around and around and around and around and then shooting off them going the wrong way every.single.time. I could almost hear the exasperation in British GPS Siri's voice as she kept saying "redirecting" over and over.

In the spirit of true confessions, you have to understand how much we feel like a couple of hobos in our basic clothes and backpacks. We had to pack just the staples in order to keep to our microscopic European sized carry-on luggage. When we venture into boutiques to browse around, we are met with much the same welcome as Julie Roberts in the early Rodeo Drive scene in "Pretty Woman."  We are so sick of our clothes at this point that we are considering trade outs. In order to keep to our carry-on luggage restriction, to buy a new article of clothing means leaving one behind. That feels like a huge waste of money, but may save on psychiatric bills in the long run because the hatred we are beginning to feel for our clothing is unnatural.

Apparel aside, we do like to keep things classy wherever we go. When visiting the adorable town of Bourton on the Water, after a lovely break for proper tea with scones and clotted cream, I was unobtrusively taking pictures of the beautiful waterway when I suddenly drop-kicked my camera lens cap into the water. I didn't mean to. It was dropping, and in an effort to stop it I punted it directly into the canal. Thus, I did what any self-respecting person would do...I took off my shoes and socks, rolled up my pants and jumped in to retrieve it. I don't believe  we are going to be asked back to Bourton on the Water. Even the little British ducks looked appalled.

On a related note, compression socks are like Spanx for feet. The effort it took to get those socks off my feet in order to jump in the water is initially what attracted the crowd that gathered to witness my dip into the ice cold water. Their reward was seeing me climb in and out.

One of the quirks of the old buildings in the little Cotswolds villages is that they are tilting with age. It makes for super cute pictures, but when you are quite literally sliding off the bed at night, it is not as cute. I would start the night all bunched up with pillows at the "top" of my bed and wake up with my legs hanging off the "bottom" of the bed each morning. If my bed had satin sheets I could've used it as a slide.

It probably goes without saying, but international travel is not without its challenges. We have to use electrical adapters and converters everywhere we go and it can be interesting getting ready depending upon where the outlet is vs the bathroom or mirror. In one hotel room,  I had to plug in on one side of the room to dry my hair a little bit and then run over to the other side of the room to look into the mirror, and then back over to the other side to dry some more, then back to the mirror again to check out the progress. Same thing with applying makeup. Figuring out all the crazy showers has been educational, too. Not one has been like the other. It is good brain exercise at my age to try to figure out all the plumbing. The fact that there was a sign in one restroom explaining how to use a Western toilet (don't stand on top of it) effectively proves my point.

In summary, it may not be the glamorous life, but we are absolutely loving the journey. Things like this have provided endless amounts of  laughter, which is honestly what traveling with a friend is all about after all, isn't it?